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Your voice matters, no matter what role you take on. Mae, who is speaking anonymously to protect her identity, is part of a community of over 50,000 people looking for partners to practice consensual non-consent (CNC) with. “It’s like you’re betraying feminism, or you suffer from some kind of Stockholm Syndrome that makes you want your own oppression.” But the history of – and conversations around – consensual violent sex are likely as old as sex itself, he says.

“A lot of sex has always been violent, but the idea of it being agreed upon by all parties and involving a degree of violence or playing with violence and power… You see that in literature, certainly way back,” Florêncio says.

Though it might seem paradoxical, CNC allows people to “let go in a way where they can feel really safe”, she says. By taking on the role of someone else, you can create a distance that can help you feel more confident and bold.

So, consider exploring CNC through roleplay scenarios.

cnc gay meaning

However, whatever form your sex life takes, if you find it is stopping you from enjoying your everyday life, then it might be a good idea to talk to a medical professional. Be curious about what your partner shares, and share your honest desires, too.

Once you are more comfortable and open to communicating about your desires and wants, you can bring up your desire to try consensual non-consent.

All of that will help you have better sex and feel more empowered in your body and with your sexuality.

  • Reclaim your sexuality: Exploring CNC play in a safe environment with someone you trust can help those with past trauma reclaim their sense of bodily autonomy and control over what happened [4]. Start by opening up the conversation about sexual wants, desires, and fantasies.

    I want to be violated… consensually,” says Mae, a 23-year-old Reddit user in her post, on the subreddit r/CNC_Connect. The acronym emphasizes the necessity for clear and affirmative consent in any encounter.

    The Origins of CNC

    The phrase “Consent Not Conscription” emerged as part of the ongoing conversation surrounding sexual violence and consent culture.

    The very idea of enacting forced sex or power play can be triggering for those who are survivors of sexual assault. “The purpose of fantasy and sex play is to allow for creativity, spontaneity and fun. That includes all the partners involved in the activity discussing what acts they are excited to engage in, what ‘okay’ activities are, and what 'hard no' activities are.

    For example, you might be comfortable being forced to engage in oral or penetrative vaginal sex.

    Once all of these things are taken care of, a scene can be “incredibly healthy and incredibly fun”, Balestrieri says. Consider speaking with a therapist, or if you're in a relationship, you might want to look for a couples therapist.

    It's important to remember that consensual non-consent is not the same as rape. In this case, using a Traffic Light System might be a great choice.

    The Traffic Light System involves using colors to communicate during a BDSM scene:

    • Green: All is good, let's keep going.
    • Yellow: I don't want to stop, but please, let's slow down.
    • Red: I want to stop all the activities immediately.

    Sometimes, a CNC activity might involve the submissive partner being forcefully silenced by covering their mouth.

    If you follow this line of thought, CNC is incompatible with sexual liberation.

    This view, Florêncio says, ignores people’s right to choose. This sexual kink falls under the BDSM umbrella (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) and requires extensive communication and trust between the individuals who choose to engage in CNC activities. 

    It's essential to note that consensual non-consent is pre-agreed between those taking part.

    Porn shouldn’t be a first port of call, however, because “it doesn’t always highlight setting up the process in a way that is ethical and safe for people”. Some of the most popular roleplay scenarios kinksters love to play out that are great for CNC play are:

    • Master/slave fantasy play
    • Job/occupation play (ex, boss/assistant)
    • Age regression play (ex, guardian/child)
    • Religious play (ex, priest/nun) [6]

    If any of these feel too realistic or taboo, you may want to explore fantasy roleplay, too.

    However, there are some common themes that arise whenever people share why they enjoy CNC play:

    • Complete surrender: CNC play involves a strong power play dynamic between the person who plays “the attacker” role and “the victim” role. Andrea Dworkin, an American radical feminist active from the 1970s to the 1990s, who is widely described as anti-sex and anti-porn, believed heterosexual sex to be synonymous with abuse.

      Taking a shower together, getting a snack, or a drink together are also great aftercare activities.

      How to bring up the idea of trying CNC with your partner

      Communicating your sexual desires and wants can be challenging–we get it. The idea that someone is so turned on by them and finds them irresistibly attractive is a huge turn-on for many people.

      What people like about CNC

      Sexuality and what turns us on in the bedroom are highly individual, so the reasons why people enjoy CNC play vary greatly.